Change is good...

I swear, I'm trying to convince myself of this lol

To be honest, I’ve been trying to figure out what I wanted to talk about in this month’s newsletter for awhile.

A lot has happened in the last month or so, hence the procrastination as it’s Saturday, June 26th at 12:21pm. I'm sitting outside drinking cold coffee and I just finished making breakfast for my boyfriend’s little cousin & his best friend. Sidebar - I really hope I have a son one day, they were just too cute in their pre-puberty voices like ‘‘thank youuuu Alex for breakfast!” 

I also just finished crying to my boyfriend this morning over change. Have I said I’m not good at change? Lol. I swear he is a got damn saint in a dark chocolate package (and also not perfect because remember transparency here not social media fake lol). I walked in the room in tears while he was still in deep sleep like,“can I talk to you!?” Full blown tears with snot running down my face. He looked at me like what the fuck just happened lol. Did I mention how emotional I am? 

Change is weird for me. It really started when my parents got divorced when I was 5 and I feel like my life was ripped from under me. I still remember the moment I realized my parents were divorcing and my dad wasn’t going to live with us anymore. We lived in Shepherd Park in Washington D.C. My mom will literally say sometimes to this day, “our house” lol, I’m like, girl we haven’t lived there in years but that house was special for so many reasons. Anyway, my parents fought a lot towards the end of their marriage and I remember my older brother would grab me by my hand and take us downstairs to play because they were in a bad fight. Isn’t it crazy how you remember things when you were so little? 

I remember the day like it was yesterday. My mom told us our dad was outside and wanted to talk to us. I just remember her looking really sad. My brother again grabbed my hand and took me downstairs and my dad said “I’m not going to see you guys for some time but I love you very, very much.” I was so confused. To this day, I get emotional listening to Whitney Houston's, ‘I will always love you’ because I thought about my dad every time I heard it. 

Y’all I’m actually crying writing this. This was over 25 years ago but I still remember it. Whew therapy! Lol 

Then everything changed. We moved to Silver Spring, I started a new school which was very white (a whole other story for another day lol) and my best friends were now so far away from me. Listen, this is not me complaining because my mom & dad made the BEST decision for themselves and their marriage and in turn, gave me and my brother a really beautiful, fulfilled life. Yes, there were bumps in the road because life is not a fairytale but it was change that was needed...get where I’m going here? 

Change - even though it’s hard, it’s necessary. 

Shit, I feel like this newsletter is going to be long again lol...I’m sorry y’all! 

Ever since then change has been really hard for me. I realized this in therapy about two years ago. So whenever there is change, I’m a little, actually fuck that, VERY uneasy but once I’m in it I flourish. It’s just taking those initial steps. 

Let me give you an example to paint a picture. I’ve had 3 consistent AF best friends since college. Everyone if you know me knows who they are - Loni, Ashlee & Taylor. (Shit, tears again lol) - they are a good chunk of my heart. There have been changes in all of our lives but I distinctly remember the night Taylor was about to get engaged and me, Loni and Ash were sitting at the bar kinda all in shock. Over the moon happy for her but we were all thinking the same thing, life is happening and our group is going to change. It’s been us. All these years. For birthdays, breakups, celebrations, promotions, all of it. We were like, our Tay was getting married. To an amazing, amazing man I might add. It really was that part in Sex & The City when they realized Charlotte was getting married lol. Tay is now married but nothing really changed. While yes, things have actually changed but she’s in this amazing new chapter in her life and we are all still here for all of the moments life has. 

I had a revelation…walk with me here, ok. If my parents never changed their circumstances, our lives would be completely different. If I never quit my job & took the leap, I would’ve never been able to go to Mexico for a month and experience so much of what I needed to. If I never left Maryland in 2011 & moved to NYC, I would’ve never been the woman I am today. If I never changed my mindset about hating all of quarantine and actually using it to my advantage, ‘Just Add Hot Sauce’ never would’ve grown and be what it is today & still growing, OKKKKK! 

So, I’m actually saying, change is good. So stop fucking fighting it and lean into it. I’m saying this to myself too lol. This part of my life has a lot of changes to it, but it’s something I’ve never been more proud of because me leaning into all those changing moments of my life, brought me to where I am today and I’m grateful, still crying but grateful lol. 

Until next newsletter. 

Xo, 

Alex