Choosing yourself pt. 2

...and break up foods

My last newsletter was at the start of January after a much-needed social media hiatus & the theme was taking big bites. So other than leaving my job on what is coming up in my first year of betting on myself, I probably took my first big bite of the year…

I left my relationship of five years… and yes, after relocating back to D.C. in September for this love. 

See, I told you life has been super life-ing lately, lol.

Tbh, I was hesitant to share this part of my personal life, but this newsletter has been so therapeutic for me (and I hope others), so I figured why the hell not?! 

Full transparency, this was suppose to be sent out two weeks ago lol..I kept re-reading & editing it because I was v nervous to share!

I want to keep things private-ish and respectful of my ex (I still have so much love & respect for him), but I ultimately had to choose myself. The relationship wasn't serving either of us anymore, to be quite honest. 

I'll give some backstory (because I love a backstory, lol) of how I came to my decision because we all have that gut feeling as women. But, sometimes (well, many times), we ignore it and keep it pushing, which is exactly what I did. 

I'm 33 (34 at the end of the month…taurus gang gang), and I met him at 28. He gave me everything I wanted at the time in my life. Still, over time I outgrew the relationship and ignored how I wanted, and ultimately needed, to be loved. I don't want to diminish the beautiful moments in our relationship because there was a ton, and he taught me so much about myself & love, but ultimately, I knew I had to walk away for myself.

I'm going to give y'all a lyrical quote from Adele to sum up how I feel (corny, I know, lol). I've been listening to a SHIT ton of her '30' album, and one song perfectly sums up how I feel. Listen, I play it on repeat about 100x a day, lol.

A snippet from Adele 'To Be Loved' below.

I'll never learn if I never leap

I'll always yearn if I never speak

To be loved and love at the highest count

Means to lose all the things I can't live without

…. I'm so afraid but I'm open wide

I'll be the one to catch myself this time…

This perfectly describes how I feel. But, again, I feel like, as women, we ignore how we ultimately feel, suppress it, and keep it moving throughout life and that’s what I did. But at the point of our breakup, my gut was damn near yelling at me. Now, I'm a Taurus, an earth sign, which means I need to be grounded and I’m loyal to a damn fault. I will ride a fucking roller coaster until it is rusty and almost falling apart until someone says, "bitch, get off the damn ride; it's about to explode!" That was me, not just in relationships but also in work and other areas of my life. 

I had therapy the day before we broke up. I was snot nose, hyperventilating, and crying to my therapist because I started with "I feel that I need to break up in my gut." At the end of the session, she said, "It seems like you know the decision, but you need to be comfortable with making it." 

Later that day, I went to dinner with my two best friends, one who just recently got engaged & the other who is newly married. Then there was me...ultimately making a major life change after almost six years together… Whew! I broke down into tears at the table (which ended up getting us free drinks because I probably looked NUTS crying in public, but hey, the breakup card works lol). I love my friendship with them because they just listened, especially my best friend Loni, who LITERALLY just got engaged a week before. I didn't want to make it seem like I wasn't happy for her or not in a space to celebrate her love. Being the amazing person she is, she grabbed my hand with that amazing glistening rock on her ring finger lol and just listened. It was EVERYTHING I needed from both of them at that moment. 

The next day I woke up and ended the relationship. I was scared shitless to do it, and it felt like a lump in my throat until I said the words. As a Taurus who DESPISES change, I knew I had to choose myself. Did I think about allllll of the things?! Fuck yes….

• Is the timeline ticking for me to have a baby??

• Am I going to be single forever?

• OMG, I'm about to be single in my mid-30s while my friends are having babies & getting married!

• What if I never find a man that will love me ever again!?

I thought of everything under the sun, but ultimately, I'm at peace and know I made the right decision for myself that grounded me, and that's what I needed. Because even if it takes me years to find the love I want & need, it makes choosing me that much sweeter.

I also thank my ex for teaching me so much and giving me things to work on because I'm not at all perfect. He is wise beyond his years, supportive, loyal, and a creative AF entrepreneur who can pivot in any space and figure anything out. I've always admired that about him and always will.

…but this chapter is all about finding that exact feeling of Adele’s ‘All Night Parking’ Interlude (listen to it because it’s all the feels).

So, I hope wherever you are in your love journey, life, or whatever stage you are in, you listen to your gut & choose yourself every time.

…and because I’m going to find a way to tie it back to cooking, here are some recipes to give you all the comfort because sometimes we all just need to cry over a bowl of pasta sitting on the floor with the biggest glass of wine. 

Carbonara 

Banana Pudding 

Best Ever Chocolate Chip Cookies (this is my go to recipe for the best ever cookies!)

P.S. Alsoooo, if you know anyone that wants to take over a lease in the Union Market area of D.C., let a girl know because I'm leaving AGAIN lol…

Until next time.

Xo, 

Alex