healing is a journey, not an end goal

a beautiful painful one but worth it…

A couple of months ago I had a really cool, amazing opportunity come to me by way of a friend (who has always rooted for me, like hired me to cook her big sister’s 40th bday during peak covid). It was SpringHill’s Recipe For Change and the episode was about dating! I mean, I talk about dating here in my little newsletter community but not to the masses! So, I was shook and excited at the same time lol.

When I left the shoot back in December, I said to myself (internally freaking out), “I hope they don’t use what I said for a social cutdown.” Not to my surprise, they did because I was honest af lol. The certain clip was about dating an insecure man. You see, I’ve never really shared in detail about what I felt in my relationship other than with my friends, but that day was a mix of feeling safe, word vomit lol and just sharing my story because I knew deep down other women could relate. When I got the clips to share on social to promote the episode and saw it was the one I thought they would use lol, safe to say I freaked out but for all the wrong reasons.

I thought to myself, “am I hurting my ex with my truth if he sees that on ig?” 

Y’all..isn’t that fucking nuts lol. My truth, which ultimately was the downfall of our relationship (for me) among other things, I was worried about hurting him while I was still healing from him.

So of course, I called one of my best friend’s, Robert. I’ve known Robby since we were 18 and he is literally so objective, it’s sickening and truly fucking annoying but comes in handy as a friend. He simply said, “this is your truth and if he gets mad, he gets mad. You said it, you can’t take it back so let it be.” 

That got me to think about my healing journey, where I am in dating and everything in between. 

It’s been a journey to say the least…

I saw this quote online not too long ago and it hit right on the nose (above & below).

 “Nobody tells you how hard it is to rewire your brain so you can allow amazing things to happen to you after so much trauma or hurt. Blessings exist, good people exist, a softer life exists. Let it happen.” 

It hit me because it’s so true. Healing is tough but so beautiful because it’s a journey to your best self (if you want to do the work). I’ve heard people say, “I’m healed so I’m ready to date,” but what I’ve learned from therapy is that it’s not a destination that you finally get to…like, “a bitch is healed so bring on the men!” Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that, I fucking wish though right?! It’s been a long journey of healing and working through shit from my past relationship (along with childhood stuff lol) and just LIFE because it doesn’t stop.

…and when you start to date again, it’s hard but also so fun. Like you’re really excited to start dating, thinking someone’s cute, the butterflies, nerves and all that shit but then your anxiety starts to set in. Like, is this a trigger or is this going to be like my last relationship if it even gets to that. You think of everything!  

It’s truly difficult to let someone good in even though you really want to. I remember when my best friend Taylor met her now husband (and they are expecting their first baby soon), she was on a healing journey post breakup. She told me one time, “I had to really open myself up to him because it’s almost like I didn’t feel worthy of love and I almost didn’t let him in because of all the hurt from my past.” I 100% get it, it’s like self sabotage. It’s fucked up because as excited as you are to start dating it’s also scary and two things can exist at once (thank you therapy lol).

So, that quote about rewiring your brain to let good in is real and that’s why healing is not a destination. Even when you meet your person or whatever you want to call them, things are going to arise…

• triggers from the past 

• childhood trauma (yes, everyone has them)

• communication barriers 

• miscommunication

• vulnerable convos 

• tough af convos 

• arguments (we love healthy arguments! That’s a thing I learned in therapy!)

• just life in general…

...and if & when you find that person that you want to work through all of life’s shit with, I think it makes doing the work that much better…because I want to be my best version of myself, for myself, so I can be that for someone else. And if I haven’t arrived at my best version of myself, I hope he sees it in me. 

As my best friend Loni says all the time & said it in her vows, “the best is yet to come” and I can’t fucking wait.

Until next newsletter.

Xo, Alex