one year post break up...

...healing, triggers, lessons & all the in-between

Hiiii, it’s me…

It’s been a minute, well actually about 7 months since my last newsletter…so long that we’re in 2023 and I’m coming up on one year of leaving my relationship. February 17th to be exact…

Lots have changed and if you’re new here (well, welcome) and to recap, in February of last year, I left my relationship of five years and have been navigating being back in the world as a single woman in her mid-ish 30s for about a year now.

Oh, and I moved cross country to LA in September (it truly has been the best decision ever)...so lots of change and as a Taurus I HATE CHANGE but we’re navigating it!

Last year, to say the least was rough as fuck. It truly felt like it was two years in one and I was holding my breath for most of it. Just truly trying to survive…keep going, working, putting out content to land these partnerships, showing up for myself & my people. Yes, leaving was the best decision but no one truly tells you how to heal post break up because what in the entire fuck.

I’ve learned a shit ton this last year…

…and the question that I always get is “are you ready to date?” Or “are you dating?”. I’ve always said the same thing “I want to date and have fun!” Yes, I’ve been dating and it’s been amazing, weird, traumatizing, fun, awkward and all the in-between…like I even said to myself after we broke up, “Do I still know how to kiss lol!?” I mean I dated the same guy for almost six years! Even a recent DM (well at this point not so recent because I’ve been living life) but someone asked me “Sis, we need an update on your dating life” and I said, “ain’t no update” lol.

But there actually is an update….but more of a self reflection update.

You guys all know I love a backstory and here comes one.

After a first date with someone last summer right before I moved to LA, I got in the car and cried, like criedddd lol and said to myself, “If this is dating, I don’t fucking want it.” Nothing was wrong with him; he was super nice (not for me), but I realized that I needed to take a step back for a second.

A little backstory con’t…

In my early-ish twenties, I met a guy in NYC that had me in a damn chokehold. You know that person you cannot get over and will randomly text you when you are JUST starting to KINDA get over them? But, every time you ask for more (even though you know you shouldn't), they have an excuse, and then you're left crying at Corner Social in Harlem with your roommates Kelli & Ashlee, lol. (I feel like there is a theme here of me crying in public…free drinks? lol)

After every "ending," I would serial date because I was like, "yea, that's a fucking good idea to get over someone!" Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed dating because I would meet so many different types of men and ultimately figure out what I do & don't want, but I was actually just avoiding healing. I was also broke AF in New York back then, and a girl's gotta eat!

I realized after that date, where I cried in my car lol, that I'm avoiding healing despite having great fucking dates & experiences. I was going down the same road I did in my twenties. But, because of therapy, I was like, "wait a minute, bitch," you've come very far, and 34 year-old Alex is a different person.

After choosing myself in leaving my relationship, I had to step back and discover who I am at 34, working for myself and being by myself after 5+ years together.

Lots of self-reflection, right?

Even with therapy, which I started when I was 30 due to somewhat crippling daddy issues, I saw that creeping into my relationship, and I wanted to dig deeper. I thank GOD for therapy because I absolutely would not be the woman I am today without it, and I'm continuing that in the post-breakup era.

This is also where my friendships come in. I’ve talked to my single girlfriends, the engaged & married ones, the auntie girlfriends, and, of course, my mom. Also, some men in my life too.

…and the consistent thing everyone said in some shape or form was, “ You want a partner who is your best friend, someone who is willing to put in the work because you both are going to change & grow. You want someone who is going to love you & vise versa through those moments”. And to quote Michelle Obama, who had a great caption not too long ago…

I’ve had so many honest & vulnerable talks with my girlfriends, and I’m not gonna lie, it is scary to be on my own again at my big ole age (sure, I’m not old, but these are still my feelings, lol).

I feel like we all have said the same thing…

• Is my biological clock ticking? Well, yea it is, lol

• Am I ever going to find my person?

• I see it happening for my friends. When will it happen for me? Will it?

• Is this a trigger or a lesson?

• Am I going to settle?

• Am I healed?

There are all of these self-reflection moments that go into my healing process. Healing is not an end goal process… it’s constant, it’s work and to be honest it’s really fucking tough. I said to my best friend Ash over NYE in Mexico that I didn’t realize how much baggage (triggers & learning lessons) that I had from my ex that I’m working through…and that’s OK. There’s been a TON, like a SHIT ton, of tears. I don’t even know how I still have tear ducts left lol. I’m also so fucking grateful for my friends and their listening ears (and also their couches/beds where I decided to travel for a month in August..ILY forever Tay, Aim & Lei Lei). 2022 really threw me for a loop and brought on so much unexpected but needed change. I’ve been out of my comfort zone since last February and I finally feel like I’m coming up for air one year post breakup. I always say this, everyone sees the highlights on social media, and yes, there have been lots of highlights, but there have also been lows, and that’s life.

I say all this to say, will I be my whole, healed self when I meet “my person”? Probably not because that’s not realistic. Everyone has trauma they are actively working through, baggage from past relationships, shit with their parents, vulnerabilities they are scared to show, and triggers they didn’t even know they had. BUT that person, whoever he is, will see me with allllll my imperfections (because everyone has them) and vice versa. We will put in that work together, and that is what I’m holding on to.

Love & partnership is truly a beautiful thing. I’ve experienced it in its truest form and when that person makes you feel at home, it’s a feeling you don’t ever want to give up. Even if the home’s foundation is a little rocky, make sure that person wants to make your foundation stronger.

Talking to my best friend & soulmate sister, Ashlee, a couple of months ago, she said something so perfect when we were talking about dating, “It took a lot of growth to get to where I am now, so my next relationship should only add to my life, not complete it”…and THAT, is it.

Until next newsletter…

Xo,

Alex