so, i'm freezing my eggs...

the journey to motherhood (one day, God willing)

I was super hesitant on sharing this part of my life but this newsletter has been very therapeutic for me (more than you guys know) and I hope with me sharing my journey that it touches someone in need or just a “you are not alone in this.”

Before you start reading I want to say a little disclaimer: this is my story, my journey and at the end of the day my personal life so please be kind in the comments and I beg of you please don’t send me unsolicited advice (i.e you should be doing xyz) because this is such an emotional topic for me & other women.*big hugs

Last year, actually around this same time in late October I decided to get my fertility tested at Kind Body, a fertility clinic here in LA. Just because I turned 35 earlier in the year and we’ve all heard, “After 35 a woman’s fertility decreases by xyz…” so I just wanted to check.

To be fully transparent, I didn’t think much of it because of past circumstances where I lived in a state where I was able to make a choice for myself. Anyway, they took my bloodwork for my AMH levels and did an ultrasound for the uterine follicle count (I’ll explain in a sec what that is) and I went about my day. I called my mom after, told her and she too was like, “Oh that’s good! Let me know what they say.”

Now, let me tell you what AMH level & uterine follicle count is because I’ve had so much information thrown at me that I was like wait, what? Like dumb it all the way down to me.

My gyno explained it so perfectly to me that I burst out laughing…

Your AMH level is a hormone that releases on the second day of your period, before you ovulate, that basically tells your body and I quote from my gyno, “LETS GOOOOOOO! LETS MAKE A BABYYYYYYYY!” I thought that was so funny & so perfectly described so I can understand.

Then your follicle count was described to me as, “Each month your body produces a certain amount of ‘bachelorettes’ which are follicles (little sacks) that hold & release your eggs and those ‘bachelorettes’ are basically revving their engines up for the sperm aka the ‘bachelors’.” Now, isn’t that such an easy way to understand!

So now that you guys have that info…

I called my best friend Loni & had our weekly catch up and told her about my appointment, again thinking nothing of it and I got a call from Kind Body while I’m on the phone with her. I was like I’ll call you back!

To say the information was not at ALL what I expected and let me tell you this, the doctor, a Black woman at that, delivered the info to me so kindly & so gently because I burst into tears with her on the phone.

Essentially she told me, “your AMH levels (hormones) were low and my uterine follicle count (bachelorettes) was slightly below average so you technically qualify under low egg reserve so we highly recommend freezing your eggs, especially at your age.

Also, let me preface this. With that news, it doesn’t mean that I can’t get pregnant naturally, just the chances are higher when both AMH & follicle count are higher (which was pretty hard to hear). The test doesn’t tell you how many eggs you have left because they are so microscopic, it’s just based on your hormone levels & follicle count to tell you a diagnosis.

When I tell you, I was like what the entire fuck….

I called Loni back in tears because I felt like my wants in becoming a mom were just ripped from under me because of the news. Truly, I was in shock and to be honest, I sat on the news for a while to figure out my decision. To be quite honest for a year…

I’ll tell you this, it is so important for me to be a mom. I’ve always pictured myself as one. I have a beautiful relationship with mine (she is my everything) and God willing one day, I will get to see a little person grow up to be whoever they want to be in the world and that little baby was brought here, earth side out of the immense love I share with my partner.

…that is my deepest prayer that I am holding onto.

my amazing mommy <3

So fast forward almost a year later & going through yet another disappointment in dating (and that’s ok). I said to myself, “Alex you need to make a fucking decision for your future family.”

I’m gonna freeze my eggs, that’s it. Period.

Now, before getting into all the western medicine of egg freezing I wanted to do a more holistic deep dive into my body just to see what’s going on. My friend recommended TCM Healing Center here in LA, who specialize in women’s health & fertility. All she said was, “it changed my life” without knowing her story. I made an appointment, told Dr. Jing everything that was happening with me and she said to me very sternly, “You need to get your mind, body and soul right before you freeze your eggs because you want the best quality eggs & your body is not ready. You’re way too stressed.”

Yet again, I burst into tears.

Dr. Jing told me, “Do not worry because I will help you, I will get your AMH levels good! Don’t you see all the babies on this board, that will be you one day.”

In the midst of my single spiral lol, Dr. Jing said, “You never know what could happen. Your life can change in an instant.”

Dr. Jing said, “let’s do acupuncture until January, keep your workout routine because that’s very important but no hot pilates or hot yoga and get you started on supplements to prepare your body for happy healthy eggs!” I said let’s fucking go and I am a taurus so once I am locked in…I’m locked the fuck in!

As I’m crying at checkout, literally in public lol. I’m spiraling because I’m just questioning literally every decision I ever made in life…

• how the fuck did I get here?

• did I miss my chance at becoming a mom?

• will I ever become a mom?

• am I going to meet someone?

• how many eggs have I lost now at 36!?

• my career is growing & flourishing but why isn’t this part?

• am I just meant to be an auntie!?

Once again, Evelyn was dialed in rapid fire timing lol. A little about me…I SPIRAL, LIKE EPICALLY SPIRAL AND I AM AN OVERTHINKER! Anyone that is close to me will tell you that lol especially my mom.

I said hysterically crying, “Mom, I feel like my body is failing me for something that is supposed to be so natural.”

All she said was, “Alex if you want to be a mom, you will be a mom. Freeze your eggs, do acupuncture, take those supplements & get your mind right. Have faith and I’m going to light the Spanish saint candles.” Like a true Puerto Rican mother lol.

So, I’ve been on this eastern medicine journey of acupuncture, supplements & Chinese herb teas for almost two months and in the beginning of next year, I’m going to freeze my eggs with Kind Body.

It’s been VERY emotional to say the least and to be quite honest, I feel hopeless & so far away from the life I want and have envisioned for myself. I’m saying this out loud because I think it’s important to say how you feel even if it’s not so great at the moment, you know.

Even as I was heading to Houston to see my best friend Taylor & her newborn baby, my results came back from another test from my gyno, essentially saying the same thing while I was getting coffee at LAX about to board my flight and I started crying all over again. If you saw a girl in terminal 3 crying at her gate, that was surely me lol.

…and two things can truly exist at once. That time with baby Genny and my best friends was truly what my soul needed (also have you ever smelled & held a fresh baby it’s like a miracle!!! omg she’s so freaking cute!!!) and God makes no mistakes but I can still feel a little scared in my hopes to be a mom one day.

However…

What is for me, will not miss me. God knows my heart and I will be a mommy one day. As I was leaving acupuncture one day (again crying lol) the Dr. said, “you are closer than you ever were.”

..and that is what I’m holding onto.

…and because this is being released right before the election, please fucking vote. Vote for us women, for Black women & our reproductive rights.

Until next newsletter.

Xo,

Alex